


(you don't need to) kill the past

by mutemelody



Series: A Cautionary Tale [1]
Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: (which is cleared up), Additional Warnings In Author's Note, Anxiety | Virgil Sanders is a Sweetheart, Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Angst, Friendship, Gen, Identity Issues, Internalized Homophobia, Kid Anxiety | Virgil Sanders, Kid Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders, Kid Deceit Sanders, Kid Fic, Kid Logic | Logan Sanders, Kid Morality | Patton Sanders, Morality | Patton Sanders is a Good Friend, Morally Neutral Deceit | Janus Sanders, One Shot Collection, The happy ending is in the fic after this i swear, Unhappy Ending, Whoops where did that come from, he's a dramatic bitch but one who cares, wow technically I guess this is a
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-04
Updated: 2019-07-04
Packaged: 2020-06-03 16:14:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,397
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19467541
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mutemelody/pseuds/mutemelody
Summary: [Prequel to (please don’t) throw caution to the wind, because I’m apparently not done playing in that particular sandbox. Can be read before or after reading that fic, but not technically a standalone. In this AU, Virgil was Caution, a light side, before he became Anxiety. Not that the other Sides know that.]Ten snapshots of life in the Mindscape, going from before any of them changed to the introduction of Anxiety.





	(you don't need to) kill the past

**Author's Note:**

> shoutout to Michellabaloo, because their comment on (please don't) throw caution to the wind inspired me to dig a little bit deeper into this universe. So here I am, writing this, even though I'm technically not because my elbow is fractured and typing is painful. Yeet.
> 
> Additional Warnings:  
> \- Implied/Referenced Minor Character Death [Caution, the other Sides are unaware that he turned into Anxiety and assumed he simply...ceased to be]  
> \- Internalized Homophobia [Mentioned this in the tags, but reiterating. A character does not accept themselves due to their sexuality. This is resolved.]  
> \- No Happy Ending [Also mentioned in the tags, but again restating because I know this can get to some people. The happy ending only exists if you read the next story.]
> 
> [Title is in reference to a line Virgil says in EMBARASSING PHASES: The Nightmare Instead of Christmas, where he says, "You should let the past die. Kill it, if you have to." at the timestamp 10:25]
> 
> [Note: If you see this work on any app or website outside of AO3 or any of the accounts listed in my profile, then it is being used without my consent and I heavily implore you to not support that app or website. Thank you.]

**1\. Studying**

“But why does he need to study more?” Roman presses, repeating the question for the third time. His voice is becoming whiny with his frustration. “I mean, he’s already been at it for _hours_. He knows _everything_. ”

“That is an exaggeration,” Logan states, not looking up from his book. “He’s only been at it for approximately twenty-eight minutes.”

“That’s long enough!” Roman cries, throwing his arms up as he flops back dramatically on the bed. They are both in the ‘common area’ of the Mindscape, specifically the part that currently resembles Thomas’ bedroom - his current location. 

“I mean, it’s just a stupid _vocab_ test.” Roman continues from his position, splayed out on the bed. Logan sighs, taking out a bookmark and marking his page to look at the dramatic side. “We take so many of those it’s stupid. Besides, he knows everything by now.” His face is contorted into a scowl, but instantly lights up when he a familiar Side slowly opens the door. “Vee! Nice to see you! Now, tell Four Eyes over here that Thomas has studied for _way too long._ It’s time for an adventure!”

Virgil’s head cocked slightly in confusion, “Hasn’t he been studying for, like, half an hour?” He asks, looking at the reasonable Side for confirmation as he walks over to the bed and sits down next to Roman, who quickly scrambles to give him space.

“Twenty-eight minutes and forty seconds.” Logan says, at the same time Roman grabs Virgil’s arm and reiterates loudly how _long_ that is.

“Yeah, Ro, I think he needs to study more.” The cautious Side says, looking at his friend pointedly. “He needs to get a good grade on this, you know.”

“You say that about _every_ assessment, though.” Roman pouts, huffing dramatically and letting go of Caution in order to cross his arms. Virgil rolls his eyes fondly. 

Logan looks thoughtful for a moment, “Perhaps he could conduct a review quiz of sorts.” He suggests. “The length of time he has left to study can be dependent on how well he scores on that.”

Roman brightens instantly, jumping to his feet. “Yes! He’ll ace it and then we can go on an _adventure!”_

Virgil considers it, more hesitant. “He’ll still look over it right before he goes to bed, right?” He asks Logan.

“Of course. That is highly beneficial for memory storage.” Logan agrees readily, nodding.

“Then I’m okay with it.” 

_“Yes!”_ Roman says, fist-pumping excitedly before grabbing Virgil’s hand to yank him off the bed. “C’mon Vee! While _Teach_ here quizzes Thomas, I’m going to show you my idea for our next adventure!”

Virgil makes a startled sound as he’s pulled to his feet, but quickly regains his balance. “Bye Logan!” Virgil he calls, slightly tripping but also laughing as he’s dragged out of the bedroom. 

Logan just watches them go with a slight shake of his head.

“So unreasonable.” Reason mutters under his breath, before beginning to conduct the pre-quiz.

* * *

**2\. Change**

“‘Morning Logan,” Patton says cheerfully, setting a cup of tea down on the table as the unusually sluggish Side sits down. He drinks it immediately, clearly grateful. “You okay there, kiddo? You don’t usually wake up this late.”

“Yeah. I don’t think I’ve ever seen you eat breakfast. I was starting to believe you ate books.” Roman says, before taking a spoonful of lucky charms.

“You look kinda sick,” Virgil says, looking over the Side carefully, worry filling him. He was Thomas’ Caution, after all. He’s fundamentally instilled to protect. A sick Side? Definitely something for him to be concerned about.

“I do believe I am operating at suboptimal capacity.” Logan agrees. “But I do not necessarily feel any effects that any illness would bring. Rather I feel simply...odd.” 

“That’s...unusually vague for you.” Virgil remarks, scooching in his seat slightly so he’s closer to the Side. “Is there something that could be clouding Thomas’ Reason, or something?” He asks, partially directed towards the other two Sides present.

“I don’t think so,” Roman says, frowning. “He’s been behaving rather boringly.”

None of them miss the strangely emotional look that comes over Logan’s face when Virgil says those words, however. 

“Buddy, is something the matter?” Patton coaxed, before quickly adding, knowing Logan well, “And don’t try to cover up your feelings. This is a family area - we all just want what’s best for you. No judgment.”

“I... _felt,”_ Logan starts slowly, his voice adopting an odd tone when he says that particular word, “ _Strange_ suddenly. Specifically at Virgil’s statement when he addressed me as Reason.”

Roman’s eyebrows furrow in confusion, “But you _are_ Thomas’ Reason...right?”

“I... _was_.” Logan states, his voice careful as he frowns at the table, as if upset in his own inability to solve the puzzle in front of him. “I do not fully... _feel_...as if I am still am.”

“You’re changing,” Virgil breathes, his eyes wide as concern and worry hits him full-force. They’ve seen smaller Sides change, but never one of _them,_ the main Sides. What had caused it? Was it going to happen to all of them?

Would Logan be okay?

“Well then, Logan, that’s perfectly fine,” Patton says, his voice upbeat as he serves Logan toast that none of them had seen him make. Logan doesn’t typically eat toast, but they all recognize Patton’s attempt at giving him a meal that is easier on his stomach. “For now, you can just be Logan. When you know who you are fully, we’ll be here. Be it Reason, or something else entirely.”

“Yeah! You’re one of us. We’ll never leave you behind.” Roman agrees, cheering.

“You’re not getting rid of us anytime soon, Lo.” Virgil agrees, temporarily pushing away his worry in order to reassure his friend.

Logan ducks his head to hide his face, but mumbles out a quiet, “Gratitude.”

* * *

****3\. Logic** **

Logan emerges one day, and announces himself as Logic.

He’s rather similar to Reason, except more focused primarily on learning and intelligence. Caution has to take over some of Reason’s previous duties that now are only his, but it’s not a huge change. Besides, Caution doesn’t mind working - his duty is to keep Thomas safe, and what’s wrong with that?

They all tell Logic they love him, and welcome him to the family. Morality makes him a birthday cake but separates the words so it’s a _Birth Day_ cake. He makes a pun about it that makes Logic groan but it’s a happy celebration overall.

Logic seems lighter after it all, despite denying the existence of his emotions. None of them call him out, but Caution and Creativity share a conspiratorial look and secretly fist bump in celebration when he’s not looking.

* * *

****4\. Lies** **

“Roman, you can’t keep doing this!” Patton cries, usual humor dispersing as he looked at the fanciful Side with concern.

“I don’t know what you mean,” Roman mutters, not looking at him as he moves to pass by. There are bags under his eyes, his eyes are red, and he’s far too quiet. Nothing about him says _fine._

“Roman, maybe you should-” Virgil starts, but cuts himself off as Patton unexpectedly reaches out and grabs Roman’s arm in a vice-like grip.

“No.” The fatherly Side states, “We’re not going to keep doing this. Why are you so determined to keep hurting yourself like this?” He demands, serious and stern.

“Patton, perhaps you need to-” Logic also attempts, moving to stand beside Caution, whose eyes are flitting between the two with apprehension on his face.

“I don’t know what you mean,” Roman interrupts harshly, looking at Patton head-on. His eyes shine with defiance, but also past that, _fear._ “Let me go.”

“No.” Patton replies. “Not until you _stop lying to yourself!”_

“I’m not lying to anyone, least of all myself!” Roman barks back.

There’s a chuckle from the side of the room, dark and sarcastic. “Oh, yes, Roman. You’d _never_ lie to yourself and you’re _certainly_ not doing so now.”

Roman’s eyes widened, “Deceit, how did you- why are you-”

“I called him,” Patton says, his voice still firm and his grip unwavering. “Because I didn’t know what to do. You’re not helping anyone by doing this.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about!” Roman cries, attempting to retrieve his arm. Patton lets him, loosening his grip, but backs up half a step to stand besides Deceit and effectively block the only doorway. 

“Oh, so you two are a _team_ now?” Roman spits out defensively, trying to push down how... _intimidating_ they both look. Patton doesn’t mean to come off that way, of course, but just...to see the normally cheery Side so serious is off-putting. It’s jarring, to see him standing next to the Side he’s normally always at odds with, a united front.

“Logan, I don’t…” Virgil mutters to him, clearly unsure of what to do.

“Roman, if Morality and Deceit are in agreement, I believe it would be proper to listen to them.” Logan says, adjusting his position slightly so he’s minutely pressed up against Caution. 

He’s no good with emotions, but studies and his own observations of the Side’s behavior have displayed results that indicate that physical contact would be beneficial for Virgil’s mental and emotional state at this moment. That’s not counting the physical benefits of physical contact, of course, as that is an entire other matter that is not pertinent currently. 

“No, I don’t need to listen, because you’re both _wrong._ I don’t...I don’t…” Roman’s voice cracks. “It’s not true.”

Patton’s face softens, while Deceit rolls his eyes slightly. “Roman, we’re _all_ parts of Thomas. We’re not going to think any differently of you, no matter _what._ ”

“Of course we are,” Deceit says, his voice dripping with sarcasm. “After all, Roman here would be the _first man_ in _all of existence_ to like other men. Someone, make a note of the time.”

“I...It’s just…” Roman clenches his fists. “I…” His voice hitches and he reaches up to cover his face with his hands.

“Roman,” Patton says, his voice softening once more, placing his hands on Roman’s shoulders. Roman ducks his head immediately, not willing to face the paternal Side. “Roman, look at me.” He says patiently, and after a moment, the creative facet looks up, hands falling down and unshed tears shining in his eyes. “Oh, kiddo,” He brushes the tears out of his eyes.

“I don’t know what to do,” Roman admits, looking at Patton in shame.

“Well, let me tell you,” Patton says, smiling at the younger Side. “You’re going to go out there and not let them make you ashamed of who you are. You’re gonna be creative and wonderful and _roman_ -tic.” Roman rolls his eyes slightly and a hint of a smile starts to show.

“There’s the Roman I know,” Patton smiles back, ruffling his hair slightly. “And remember, you’re not alone in this. This isn’t all on you. We _all_ make up Thomas. We have each other, and I _know_ that Thomas one day will have friends like him around him too. Okay?” Roman nods silently, and Patton gives him a playful grin. “Hug time?”

“Hug time.” Roman agrees, his voice still quiet.

“Hug time!” Patton yells. Virgil rolls his eyes, grabs Logan’s arm, and joins in while making the logical Side do so as well. Not that Logan would be opposed to hugging Roman, or even hugging in general, but Virgil knows he likes to keep a façade, likes to pretend he's being forced to even though they all know he's a willing participant.

“Well, this is a horrible ending. I’m going to stay.” Deceit states emotionlessly, rolling his eyes and starting to sink out. However, he lets out a startled yelp when on his way down a hand grabs his shoulder and yanks him back up.

“Oh no, you slippery snake. It’s _hug time!”_ Patton says, his voice somehow lovingly aggressive as he pulls Deceit in before resuming his position in being Roman’s primary hugger.

Deceit grumbles and rolls his eyes but acquiesces.

(He _totally_ hates it.)

* * *

****5\. Lake** **

Roman hasn’t been feeling good and Virgil isn’t quite sure what to do.

When he doesn’t feel well, he has the tendency to lock himself away as best as he can, in order to limit the spread of whatever illness he’s gotten. He can't really get actually _sick_ in the contagious way, but, well, he's _Caution_. It's in his nature to be safe rather than sorry.

(It rarely works though, due to the sheer stubbornness of the other Sides, but that’s what his approach is.)

But Roman? Roman’s pretty close to his opposite in some regards. He doubts the creative Side _really_ would want to be alone. Besides, it’s not a real, tangible sickness - at least, not yet. Right now, he just seems...tired. Out of it. 

Worried. Stressed. _Sad._

Virgil does _not_ like this.

So, one night he finds himself outside of Roman’s door, knocking on it incessantly but quietly while he periodically hisses out Roman’s name.

“What?” Roman says, finally answering the door. He seems groggy, but...Virgil doesn’t think he was sleeping. He hasn’t _been_ sleeping, if the bags under his eyes are any indication. 

“C’mon, Princey, I need you.” He says, holding out a hand. 

Roman blinks tiredly, takes his hand, and lets himself be guided with a malleability that makes Virgil worry a bit more. “Where are we going?” Roman whispers, quiet so as not to wake Logan, whose door they are passing by.

“An adventure,” He whispers back.

Roman blinks again, this time in surprise, and Virgil can’t blame him. It’s so unlike Virgil, so unlike _Caution,_ but Virgil just gives him a wink and leads him along to the door to Imagination. He pauses before the door, and gives Roman a look. “I know I’m not the most, uh, _creative_ Side, but I...I thought you’d might like this, so…” He opens the door to show what he had dreamed up.

Roman’s eyes widen as they step forward. They’re suddenly standing on the shore of a beach, but the sand beneath their feet is a warm red and the water is a soft light purple. It’s nothing truly bright or flashy, but still...it’s all Virgil could really think of for a relaxing but unique enough to be special for them, for _Roman._

“Vee, you didn’t have to do this,” He says, and Virgil gives him a smile before rolling his eyes.

“Of course I did, Princey,” He says, elbowing Roman playfully. “You’re my friend. Now come on, I left the animals for you to think of!”

* * *

****6\. Instability** **

Roman become unstable a week later.

It’s worse than Logan’s was, harsh and rough. He’s sicker than that strange feeling Reason had described when he was about to change. Patton flits around his bedside, worrying and mother-henning him. Logan buries himself in his own notes about his change from Reason to Logic. 

Virgil just sits at his bedside, never moving or wavering, like a sentinel.

“I’ll be fine, Vee,” Roman coughs out one day. “You know me. I don’t need you to stay.”

“I’m not going to leave you like this, Roman.” Virgil says firmly, because he _knows_ what his friend is thinking. That his friend is so deeply insecure about things but hides it well. That he’s doubtlessly afraid he’s feeling this bad because he’s going to turn into something bad. Something _dark._

(“Thomas already has the Duke for Creativity,” Roman had told him once, had confessed quietly. “He doesn’t _really_ need me.”

“That’s not true,” Virgil had told him in reply. “You’re _both_ Creativity. You're the light one and he’s...something else. Something darker. Technically Creativity, but also something else at the same time. Like how you're Thomas's romantic Side, but for him it's something...worse.”

“But what’s stopping me from becoming that ‘something worse’?”)

He knows that his friend is lying - that Roman _does_ need him. Now more than ever.

“Like Patton said to Logan back when he was Reason,” He recalls, “I don’t care what you stabilize into after this. Be it Creativity or Anger or Insecurity or _whatever._ I don’t care I just…” He closes his eyes, and the covers of the bed that he has in his hands wrinkle as his grip tightens. “I’m not going to leave you like this.”

There’s silence for a few moments, and Virgil slowly unclenches his eyes to look at Roman carefully.

Roman looks at him, a fond smile on his face and tears in his eyes. “Okay,” He says softly. “Okay, Vee. You can stay.”

Virgil smiles back. “I was going to anyway. It’s funny you think you have a choice in this.”

“Worrywart.”

“Idiot.”

* * *

****7\. Beginning** **

“Virgil seemed unwell earlier,” Logan says without introduction when he enters the living room, seeing both Roman and Patton present. “Are either of you aware of the origin of his malaise?”

“Can you…” Patton makes a vague, confused gesture.

Logan lets out a small sigh, before rephrasing, “Do either of you know what may be bothering him?”

“No. I tried to ask him about it earlier but he yelled at me before locking himself in his room.” Roman says, rubbing the back of his head uncertainly.

Patton looks at him in surprise, and Logan blinks at this new information.

“He yelled at you? _Virgil?”_ Patton asks. While it’s not unheard of for the Creative and Cautious Sides to fight - it’s happened plenty of times, over a number of matters - Virgil has never _yelled._ Roman yells, and Logan does too. But Virgil? He gets _quiet._

He lets whoever he’s fighting with yell and yell and yell, and then, when it’s time, _strikes._ He places a retort or insult in the silence with a low volume and an icy tone.

He doesn’t _yell._ Ever. He just...doesn't.

“Yeah,” Roman says. “I was worried too, but he just yelled at me to leave him alone through the door.”

Logan and Patton share an uneasy look.

“I’ll talk to him,” Patton says, standing.

Roman nods, relieved that maybe someone else can help his friend if he can't.

* * *

****8\. Futility** **

Patton cannot get Virgil to open up to him, or even open up the door to him.

In fact, no matter what anyone says, Virgil does not unlock the door.

Eventually, he stops replying altogether.

* * *

****9\. Farewell** **

Roman is the one to first one who sees the empty space where Caution’s door once was. He yells so loudly for the other Sides that Thomas gets a headache. 

Patton cries when he sees it. Logan freezes. Roman starts banging the wall, yelling in anger and fear and _grief_ because if the door is gone then _Caution’s gone_ and _that can’t be possible_.

Patton cries and cries and grabs Logan and begs him to tell him that it’s not true. Logan breaks out of his frozen state and opens his mouth. No words come out, but something does happen with his eyes. He is unsure of what it is, but when Patton looks into them he only cries harder, burying his face into the logical Side’s shirt.

Neither of them say anything while Roman continues to shout.

(None of them see the Side that pops in behind them and stares at the wall in shock, before an idea flits over their face and they sink out quickly.)

(No, none of them see Deceit.)

* * *

****10\. Welcome** **

Roman hates the new Side. He hates everything about him. Hates his style, hates how mean he is, how dark he is.

He hates his indecisiveness - how half the time he pushes Thomas towards Deceit and half the time he pushes him away. Half the time he pushes Thomas to go with the group and half the time to break away, and no matter which way Thomas’ goes he’s unhappy with the result.

He hates how he uses Thomas’ fears to steer him away from social gatherings, from events, from _opportunities._

Most of all, he hates how _careful_ he is. Hates how he brings up Thomas’ safety and well-being constantly. Hates how he pretends he cares when _he’s_ the one doing the harm.

He hates how he pretends to be cautious. He’s not. He’s not he’s not _he’s not._

 _Caution_ was cautious.

Caution’s gone. Scattered back into Thomas’ mind. _Faded._

Caution’s gone, and he’s never coming back.

**Author's Note:**

> fun fact: i would say roman was going to turn into anxiety when he destabilized. as you grow up, you generally lose creativity. Roman was so stressed due to the insecurity surrounding him seeing himself of a more ‘childish’ emotion (therefore feeling like he doesn't have a place/Thomas doesn't need him), and the pressure put on by the fact that not everyone's accepting of homosexuality/the LGBTQ+ community (which would affect him the most, being his more romantic side) that he was destabilizing into anxiety. It didn’t hold, though, because Thomas had theater and other outlets to express his creativity and keep it alive. The repression of his sexuality also becomes to the extent where it becomes less of a romantic/fanciful problem, and more of a problem of caution (and we know what happened with that...)
> 
> so uh, yeah. there’s that. the fact that roman was unknowingly mean to virgil for becoming what he almost was. let that sink in.
> 
> My tumblr is mutemelody.tumblr.com talk to me there


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